When Leo screamed "You're so stupid!" at Cami during math yesterday, I could have done what every other teacher does - public shame, office referral, behavior chart consequence. Instead, I remembered what it felt like when my ADHD mouth got me in trouble as a kid (and as an adult).
Here's what happened when I chose nervous system regulation over punishment.
The Truth About "Problem Behaviors" That We Need to Hear
The special education trainings I've sat through have been taught from the perspective of someone who's never had their own nervous system hijacked by ADHD or watched their adopted neurodivergent child melt down in Target. And that's a massive problem.
Because here's what I know that they don't: Emotional dysregulation isn't a behavior problem - it's a nervous system issue.
I learned this the hard way. Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, I was that kid who blurted out "helpful" comments that crushed people. Like the time I told my friend that her story assignment (which I honestly liked) "could've been better" - thinking I was being funny and supportive. The horror on her face taught me something textbooks never could: when your brain works differently, good intentions can cause real harm.
That shame spiral? That feeling of watching words fly out of your mouth and immediately regretting them? I carry that with me into every classroom interaction.
When Traditional Discipline Becomes Trauma
Back to Leo and Cami. Here's what you need to know: Leo has been diagnosed with AuDHD. Cami is working through her dyscalculia and struggles with numbers. We're working on challenging fractions, and Leo's impulse control is shot because his nervous system is already maxed out from trying to focus.
In 99% of classrooms, here's what would have happened:
"Leo! That's not appropriate!"
Public apology to Cami
Name on the board
Lost recess
Office referral
And both kids would have learned that struggle equals shame.
Instead, I used my Rewire the Response framework - the same one that's transformed how I parent my own neurodivergent adopted kids and teach others to do the same.
My Framework in Action: From Shame to Connection
EMBRACE (his and my nervous system wiring): Instead of scolding Leo in front of the entire class about being rude or insensitive, I calmly walked over to him. I made sure my body positioning and tone of voice were safe and calm. "Leo, I want to show you how next time we can be more encouraging to Cami. Hang out after class for a few minutes, and we can talk it through."
ENGAGE (with respect and connection): After class, I sat with Leo next to his desk. "Hey Leo, I know sometimes these thoughts come into your head and you want to say them. But why do you think Cami is having such a hard time with this?"
This is where the magic happened. I wasn't lecturing about "being nice." I was helping him think about nervous systems and different brains.
ENHANCE (the conversation’s impact): "How, instead of pointing out what she can't do, could you help her next time? Maybe we can have a conversation with Cami too, and because you get fractions so well, you can help her and show her your tricks so she can get better at doing them."
EQUIP (with tools) & EMPOWER (toward resilience): I gave Leo tools: co-regulation strategies, ways to channel his knowledge into helping rather than hurting, scripts for when his impulses kick in.
EMBODY (by modeling regulation): The breakthrough moment came when Leo said, "I'm sorry, Dr. Palmer. I know I shouldn't have said that, and I felt bad about it afterward because that's how I feel when I can't do certain things. But I would love to help Cami because I know she can do it, just like I could do it after you helped me."
Do you see what just happened? Leo connected his outburst to his own struggles. He went from shame to insight to empathy in one conversation. That's nervous system regulation becoming social-emotional learning in real time.
The Myth That's Keeping Kids in Survival Mode
Here's the harmful myth we keep telling ourselves: "Kids need consequences to learn."
Bullsh*t.
Kids need connection and understanding to learn. They need adults who recognize that "bad behavior" is usually a dysregulated nervous system crying out for help.
Traditional discipline teaches kids to hide their struggles and perform compliance. My framework and approach teach them to understand their nervous systems and transform their challenges into strengths.
Why This Matters More Than You Think
I'm not just a special education teacher. I'm someone who knows what it feels like to be misunderstood by adults who should have protected me. I know the weight of rejection-sensitive dysphoria. I know what it's like to watch your child struggle with the same nervous system differences that made your own childhood hell.
And that makes me exactly the teacher these kids need.
Because when Leo acts out, I don't see defiance. I see a dysregulated nervous system. When Cami shuts down, I don't see laziness. I see overwhelm. When other kids interrupt or fidget or seem "oppositional," I see myself at their age - desperately trying to regulate in a world that wasn't built for my brain.
The Real Work Starts Here
Every day in my resource classroom, I get to rewrite the narrative for kids like Leo and Cami. Kids who might otherwise learn that their differences make them "problems to be fixed."
Instead, they're learning that their nervous systems have needs. That struggle doesn't equal shame. That different brains bring different gifts. That regulation comes before learning, always.
This is what nervous system-first teaching looks like. This is what happens when we stop trying to control behavior and start supporting the whole child.
And it's exactly what every school (and home) needs more of.
What would change in your classroom - or your home - if you started seeing "behavior problems" as nervous system needs? (Answer in the comments)
I teach this approach through my Rewire the Response framework because every neurodivergent kid deserves adults who truly understand their brains.
Feel free to reach out and I can show you how this framework will transform your home and classroom in 90 seconds and over 90 days.